The True Measure of Friendship

The way people treat us behind our backs can reveal much more than how they act when we’re around

Photo by Suhyeon Choi on Unsplash

“A true friend will defend you in your absence, not just in your presence.” —Unknown

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My mother recently made a remark that resonated deeply with me. She stated that the real test of friendship isn’t how someone acts when you’re around. It’s what they say when you’re not in the room.

It’s easy to be nice face-to-face, but what truly matters is how people talk about you in your absence. This goes beyond just friendships. It applies to family, coworkers, and even casual acquaintances.

I’ve learned to pay attention to how people speak about others, and it has become a huge factor in deciding who I can trust.

My daughter shared a story several years ago that reinforced this idea. One of her acquaintancesmentioned how my daughter’s college friend group was speaking negatively about someone close tothem. That moment opened her eyes — she realizedthe importance of surrounding herself with peoplewho speak with kindness, even when no one’s listening.

What people say when you’re not around reveals more about their character than it does about yours. If someone regularly talks negatively about their friends, that’s a red flag. It makes me think they might do the same to me.

I still remember overhearing a college friend say hurtful things about me when she didn’t know I could hear her. It was a painful reminder that not everyone who acts nice to your face is truly on your side.

Real friendship goes beyond kindness in the moment. It’s about supporting someone, no matter where they are. True friends lift you up, even when you’re not in the room.

I’ve also become more aware of fake compliments. Some people say nice things when it suits them, but their words aren’t always genuine. True friends speak with respect; others focus on negativity.

Takeaway

Atthe end of the day, those who speak well of you in your absence are the ones who make your life better. They’re the ones who deserve your trust and appreciation.

What are your thoughts? How do you judge true friendship?

A version of this story originally appeared on Medium.